How does it feel when people are dying? What will happen? What time?

What we are going to discuss below is how a seriously ill patient should face this problem when he knows or is told that he is going to die.

At that time, he was the most lonely and neglected person. He may have many questions, but no one listens and no one answers. Most dying patients know in their hearts that no one will tell them their death. Therefore, in the ward, just like acting, patients and visitors pretend not to know each other's illness. They talked carefully and hid the truth from each other. However, dying patients need sympathy and comfort from friends and relatives, and they should not be ignored. Since the death of the body is a fact, it is heartless and foolish to kill the soul for fear of telling the illness.

Most of us avoid the idea of death because the topic itself is full of differences. For those dying patients, we often think that they have social diseases, so we lock them in hospitals and deprive them of things that have made their lives beautiful and meaningful, such as children, friends, music, food, love and sincere conversation. I don't know if it has ever occurred to you that it will be our turn soon. We will be hospitalized and lie in the hospital bed to face the unfortunate life and death.

If one day, the doctor suddenly tells you that you have an incurable disease and you won't live long, how will you react? Don't believe it? Refuse to admit it? Frustrated by a large number of documents discussing death, two psychologists, Dr. Kars Oss and Dr. Ehrlund Harrison, made international analysis reports on a large number of dying patients in their monographs Time of Death and The Edge of Death by Dr. Philip Swihart. In addition, Dr. Elizabeth Cuba Ruth, a psychiatrist, is a predecessor in studying terminally ill patients, and her summary has inspired us deeply.

Five stages

After talking with more than 200 patients, Cuban Ruth pointed out in his book Death and Dying that when a person is waiting for death, his feelings have about five progressive stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

1, denied:

For patients, declaring death is a disastrous blow. Their first reaction was denial, and they felt helpless and afraid because of this sudden misfortune. They will say, "I can't get this disease!" " ""The diagnosis must be wrong! " "X-ray must be confused with others! "In order to support their views, patients may go to see many doctors. This denial is actually a buffer for unexpected news, which can give patients time to calm down or find a fundamental defense method. Of course, this does not mean that the patient will not talk about his own death in the future, but that he will talk to people who sympathize with him. There is another situation. Before the doctor knew, the patient had a premonition that he was going to die. They want to talk to someone about death, but they can't find anyone to marry. In fact, no one wants to talk about death, perhaps because it is an annoying topic, or because it is a threat to survival.

In the United States, the equipment for rescuing dying patients in hospitals is almost automatic. In the intensive care unit, family members are only allowed to visit patients for five minutes every hour, and the rest of the time, patients are cared for by strangers. The more severe the illness, the more injections and mechanical treatments, and the less contact with people. The patient felt that everything around him was strange, and finally he died alone. In addition, due to the improvement of the cure rate of young and middle-aged patients, the number of elderly patients has increased relatively; Coupled with the longevity of the elderly, the incidence of chronic diseases and cancer has also increased, but fewer and fewer people are willing to take care of and afford their lives. As a result, many families don't care about their elderly parents, and most of them are sent to some old people's homes or dark places.

I remember an elderly patient who lived in a nursing home with poor facilities and services. He has no relatives or friends to visit him, as if this man doesn't exist in the world. His mood is very low and depressed. One day, he was taken to a nearby hospital because of severe pneumonia. The doctor gave him oxygen and antibiotics, but it was useless. Finally, he died. Although he used a lot of drugs in the hospital, he didn't get psychiatric treatment. He felt lonely because he had no friends and was forgotten. His soul was not comforted, he had no chance to talk about economy, family, religion or death with others, and no one asked him what he thought and prepared for life after death.

Talking to a dying patient should be done alone when he agrees and thinks it is convenient. If the patient is not interested in the question or refuses, the conversation should stop. However, many attempts can be made to convince the patient in different forms and languages that the people he talks to care about him and want to know him. Because patients want someone to share his loneliness, they can often meet each other frankly, thus establishing a real friendship.

2, angry:

This is the second stage, which often happens after the patient overcomes the "this is impossible" reaction. They replaced denial with anger. Their attitudes are jealousy, anger and indignation, and they ask, "Why me?" "Why did the merciful God do this?" This period of anger is more difficult to control than the period of denial. The patient may think or say, "The doctor knows nothing. He doesn't know how to treat me! " "They asked the nurses to give them more help and care, but the nurse's service was hardly satisfactory. There is a 68-year-old woman suffering from heart disease. She is very excited and uneasy. She always feels that the food is not good and the service is poor. Once I treated her, she said, "Although you are famous, you can't do anything well!" " "She criticizes everyone, especially her husband. Later, although her heart disease was treated, her temper was still grumpy, lonely and painful. She hated the world and God.

3. Bargaining:

Many doctors are controversial about this stage. Some people agree with Dr. Cuban Ruth, while others disagree. Dr. Ruth believes that because anger can't solve the problem, patients will turn anger into tenderness, hoping to bargain with God or please him. I remember a patient who said that if God saved him, he would give the money and the rest of his life to God, but when he was ill, he soon forgot his promise. In fact, many people are like this. They usually curse God, but when disaster befalls him, he can't wait to ask God for help. I have also met many people. When the disease makes them unbearable, they will call "Mom" or "Jesus". Therefore, even those who don't believe in God will eventually believe in God during bargaining.

4. Depression:

This is the performance of the fourth stage. When the dying patient can no longer deny his illness, anger and resentment will soon turn into disappointment. Although this mood will also be affected by factors such as unemployment, surgery or loss of life enjoyment, the main reason is the patient himself, because disappointment means the ultimate destruction of life. In the case reported by Dr. Cuban Ruth, both atheists and faithful believers are more calm and less depressed about death than lukewarm people. Among my own patients, I found different types of depression. A cancer patient was very depressed. He refused to talk to nurses, family and friends. He often suspects that the death of one of his friends was caused by his illness. Finally, when he realized that his friend's death really had nothing to do with him, he could face his own death correctly. He began to talk with others, hoping to know about his life after death.

5. Accept:

This is the last stage, when the depression period is over, patients will quietly accept the end of their lives. Although he will shrink back and show indifference, he can confirm that life is painful and understand that this world has no value of nostalgia. But their family is not like this. They still avoid talking to the patient about what he wants to know most: is it painful to die? Is there life after death? How can I be sure? What am I going to do?

Meditation and omen

A few people are insecure about death. For example, Tolstoy described Ivan's terrible appearance lying in a coffin and his own tragic mentality towards death in his book The Death of Ivan. Many of Tolstoy's narratives are consistent with the stages divided by Dr. Russ of Cuba. He said Ivan fell off the ladder and was badly hurt. The injury made him suffer from an undiagnosed disease, and he had to die gradually and painfully. Facing the reality of death, Ivan looked back on his life. His childhood was happy, but his adult life was disgusting and meaningless. Thinking about death, he saw that his life was getting farther and farther away, but he was getting closer and closer to death. He did not want to die, so he cried for three days. Finally, he felt that his life was worthless, and then he felt a sense of peace, a feeling as if he had been saved, and he was no longer afraid. Ivan's change is very strange, because for him, life only belongs to this world, and he has not been inspired by life after death. Although Ivan's salvation was short-lived, Tolstoy thought it was enough, because death was an amnesty, and this idea is still deeply rooted in today's Soviet Union.

I was deeply impressed by a special patient. He had a premonition that he was going to die, so he couldn't wait to see his family. He said he couldn't wait because it was too late tomorrow. Sure enough, everything is as he said. Therefore, we should listen carefully to the premonition of dying patients. Strangely, their omens are often correct. If the dying patient is willing to talk about his illness, we should accept his request, talk to him and try our best to answer all his questions. Cuban Ruth and many doctors agree with this, because patients are really willing to talk about their problems, their premonitions and death.

My opinion

When the patient asked me about the severity of my illness and the chances of cure, I never ruled out all hope except emphasizing the certainty of death. I think it is helpful to tell the patient that he is very ill, so that the patient has time to find out his relationship with God before he dies. For a Christian, I will ask him if he is sure that he has won eternal life. If he is not sure, I will ask him if he wants to give himself a definite answer. As far as I know, no one is dead and still insists on his atheism. Many priests know that some dying patients completely reject any "religion", but I still introduced my experience to them. I don't like the attitude of some priests and doctors towards dying patients. They seem unwilling to establish good relations with those dying people. I feel more and more that patients who knock on the door of death, except those suffering from infectious diseases, have been ignored. Pastors and doctors in seminaries or medical schools seem to lack training in how to treat dying patients. I hope death can mercilessly remind them that they are human.

Death is not easy to accept, and family members often feel uncomfortable around the dying. They avoided and denied, hoping that this misfortune would miraculously disappear. Generally speaking, patients are willing to know, to prepare and to be comforted. Except for patients who refuse to talk about death, I hope the more such comfort, the better. In the past, he may have rejected God's message, but now he is willing to accept it, hoping to know how to dedicate his life. You may be his doctor or friend. I suggest you don't lose the opportunity to face a loyal audience.

Between you and me and the priest, the dying patient is more willing to listen to you and me, mainly because he thinks we are all "sinners" like him. On the contrary, many patients think that priests are not sinners. They thought: How can he understand my question? If people like you and me believe that Jesus Christ is alive today, then patients will believe it, too. Because he is willing to listen to what we say! But usually we ignore telling them. Most doctors slip away after examining the patient and giving medical advice, avoiding talking with the patient about his chances of survival and what will happen if he dies. Similarly, a priest entered the ward, opened the Bible, read one or two verses, said a prayer and left without giving the patient time to ask questions that he needed to answer at any time. Therefore, if we only rely on the priest and don't answer these questions ourselves, patients will lose many opportunities. In addition, if priests can train more believers to do these jobs, then ordinary people can also preach to ordinary people. This kind of contact between sinners, one after another, can give great comfort and good results to dying patients.

I remember a judge suffering from malignant lymphoma, which is a fatal disease that affects the hematopoietic system. He knew that the disease would develop like leukemia and die soon. When discussing his illness, he asked me if it would be painful for him to die. I replied that he wouldn't, because I would give him medicine before he died to ensure that he wouldn't be afraid and conscious. Later, we turned to other issues. Like other patients, the judge wants to know the truth of the Bible. I was very surprised when I heard that he wanted to be saved and was willing to give his life to Jesus Christ, because it was impossible in the past. He asked me to pray with him. I told him I was not a priest, but he didn't care. He was glad that I agreed to his request. But I don't appreciate my prayers. I'm even surprised that I will do this, because all this is new to me.

From then on, he became full of hope and was no longer afraid of death. Although he is a scholar and an athlete, he is confident in himself, but now he has turned to Christ. No priest could touch him before, but now a layman has opened his heart, and I firmly believe that God will use others as he used me. Another thing that happened to me was about a reporter I treated. He has pancreatic cancer, which is beyond the scope of surgery and medicine, and he knows his own condition. I see him every day when I make rounds in the hospital, but I have never talked to him about his impending death. One day, he asked me privately if I believed in God. Although he is a knowledgeable man and has a lot of research on philosophy, he doesn't know the soul and is still seeking the purpose of life. I think this is really a good opportunity. We talked openly, which was very friendly and pleasant. Some fragments of the Bible have become very interesting, and I have gained many new experiences that I have never experienced before. It seems that I have become good friends with Jesus Christ, and I have read many books on spiritual practice, and the whole person has changed. He cares about his family, nurses and others. Until his death, he kept this attitude-relying on Christ and pouring his love into others.

In an article he wrote, Hadley described in detail his love for his dying son. When Philip went to college, he faced death because of the spread of cancer. One day, Hadley broke the conventional silence and frankly discussed his illness with his son in the ward. They broke through the scruples of being cautious between patients and relatives and friends, and they sincerely loved each other and sympathized with each other, making this lonely death stage look alive. As Mr. Reed is hard of hearing, he talks with his son with a pen. They talked about the problem of death, how to face death, and where he wanted to be buried after death. Philip has a special request. He said to his father, "Please don't ask them to let me live just because I can live. I don't want to live an empty and meaningless life. I only want to live if I know that I am really alive, because it is very important to me! " Because Mr. Reid is willing to share all the pain, anxiety and fear for his beloved son, he said that he understands, agrees and hopes to do so. When Philip died, he wrote the following passage in memory of his son:

Where are you going to sit on the magic carpet? When you close your eyes and sleep quietly, I think I understand.

We should seize every opportunity to introduce Jesus Christ to dying patients and convince them that Jesus is our savior. The comedian Woody Allen once expressed his views on illness and death to visitors. He said, "I don't care if my career is immortal, but I value immortality."

In addition, Billy Graham pointed out in his book Angels that he hoped to predict death, see Jesus and be with him, and see his dead family and friends. Some people are afraid when they know that there is life after death, but when you rely on Jesus, you are not afraid of death. Therefore, when we are still healthy, thinking of death will make us cherish time more in this short life. Our present life is not permanent, so we are responsible for it. Since death without faith is meaningless, death is like smoke and disillusionment to people without faith. If those who tell us to see life after death are right, if we make mistakes in investing our lives, we will waste our lives in vain.