My mother’s seven days, my 27 years

One autumn night in 1992, my mother passed away while giving birth to her fifth daughter.

Twelve-year-old Li Dongmei came home from school. As soon as she entered the house, she saw her mother lying motionless on the mat in the main room.

She scrubbed her mother's body and changed her clothes. There was blood on her body, hands, and fingernails, and her body was cold.

In the next 27 years, Li Dongmei’s trust in the world collapsed, and her longing for her mother followed her like a shadow like breathing. She lives in insecurity and fear.

Until 2019, Li Dongmei, who became a director, filmed the movie "Mom and Seven Days" (hereinafter referred to as "Mom"). Looking back at the last seven days of her mother's life, she said to her 12-year-old self: Don't be afraid. .

Poster of "Mother and Seven Days", which is the first feature film directed by Li Dongmei. The pictures in this article were all provided by the interviewees

The film won the "Fei Mu Honor Best Film" at the Pingyao Film Festival in October last year. In February this year, it won the "Ingmar Berger Award" at the Gothenburg Film Festival. "Hermann" International Debut Film Award, Li Dongmei became the first Chinese director to win this award. Comments called it a "pure work": "The audience will be completely immersed in an immersive, emotional and thought-provoking experience, and this is the value of film as art."

Right For Li Dongmei, this is a memory and farewell to her mother, and it is also a comfort and reconciliation for herself when she was a child. The girl who refused to grow up finally started to grow up.

Mom is dead

In Wushan, Chongqing, the night is hazy and insects are chirping.

Four men carried the sliding pole and trotted down the mountain. The slide rod swayed and creaked. No one could be seen clearly in the white quilt, only two feet were exposed.

Lying on it is my mother. She had just given birth to her fifth daughter. The umbilical cord was severed, the placenta could not come out, and the midwife was helpless. Grandpa hurriedly called four neighbors and carried her to the town hospital.

All the way through dense jungle mountain roads, winding mountain roads, and wading through waterlogged roads... Grandpa and grandma followed with flashlights, and the fluorescence was like fireflies, flickering.

It took two or three hours of walking to get to the hospital. My mother couldn't save her. She lay on the slide with her eyes closed. The men sat, squatted, and stood around, smoking silently and looking at her. Finally, she was carried back home along the same route.

This is the last moment of the mother of the heroine "Xiao Xian" in the movie "Mom and Seven Days".

In reality, Li Dongmei’s mother also died like this.

The last time Li Dongmei saw her mother was before returning to school on Sunday. They had their last meal together, loofah noodles, at her grandmother's house in the town. While eating, her mother told her to study hard. After dinner, I watched her go back to school as usual.

A still from "Mom and Seven Days" shows mother, Xiaoxian, Sanmei and grandparents eating together.

Two days before giving birth, my grandmother and my mother quietly returned to their home in the mountains late at night because relatives felt that it would not be good to give birth at her parents' home.

The time when her mother came back was a rare time of being alone in the memory of the second sister Li Li, who was 8 years old at the time. Her mother would help her with her homework.

At night, my grandma stayed with my mother, and she slept at her grandparents' house. The next morning, in the sound of grandma crying, she knew something was wrong.

There were a lot of people coming to the house. As a little girl, she was drowned in the crowd and could not see her mother clearly. I just remember that everyone was crying, saying it was so pitiful that such a good person left just as he was told.

Stills from "Mom and Seven Days", after their mother passed away, the three sisters did not dare to go in in front of the main room.

Not long after, sister Li Dongmei came back, "crying heartbreakingly." The 4-year-old third sister cried and played for a while. The fourth sister, who was less than one year old and was fostered in another family, was also brought back.

Dad came back the next day. He received the telegram at the construction site of Shenlongjia in Hubei Province and shed tears all the way. He took a car to Badong County in Hubei Province, took a boat to Wushan, and then took a coal truck to the town. He walked for another two hours before reaching home.

The three daughters gathered around and hugged him as he cried. He ran to the hill where his wife's coffin was being buried. He wanted to open it and take a look, but was persuaded to stop. He lay on the grave and cried, and was helped back home.

A still from "Mom and Seven Days", three sisters in front of their mother's grave.

Only after he returned home did he find out that after his wife gave birth to the child, she asked if it was a boy or a girl. When she heard it was a girl, she got "very angry" and beat her chest with her fists. Blood poured into the placenta and the placenta expanded. , can't get out. After being carried to the town hospital, she died on the operating table.

"The doctor said it was too late. At that time, all he had to do was cut open the placenta with a knife and drain out the blood, or get a car (send it earlier) and he could have been saved," said Li Dongmei's father.

Twenty-nine years later, at the age of 70, he was sitting at his home in downtown Chongqing, with tall buildings and a bright night outside his window. As the cold wind blew, his eyes turned red, and he said that his wife's death was a tragedy caused by "backward medical care and remoteness of the place."

Memory

Mom’s life stopped at 36 years old.

Li Dongmei knew very little about her past. She only vaguely heard from her grandmother that her mother was poor when she was a child. When she was less than one year old, her grandmother would put her in a dustpan while cooking in the cafeteria and feed her occasionally. rice.

My mother is the eldest and has three younger brothers. She grew up in Futian Town, went to middle school, and later worked as a teacher in a village kindergarten for two or three years.

When she was 19 years old, she was introduced by a matchmaker to her husband, Li Dongmei, who was 5 years older than her. Her father’s home was deep in Wushan, about ten kilometers away from the town. He was the eldest son and had four younger sisters. It will take two or three years to learn, but you will have a flexible mind and be able to speak and write.

The two have a good relationship. They often go to each other's house to have dinner, help with some work, and exchange a few words. Married three years later.

Li Dongmei was born in the winter of 1979. I had a normal delivery and was sticky at birth. She looks like her mother, with the same face shape, same voice, and even the same feet. As the first child in the family, he has been doted on since childhood.

The mother in her memory is a vague shadow: short-cut hair, few words, always silent, busy farming, feeding pigs, cooking, and running the house.

The only thing that left a lasting impression was that one year during the Chinese New Year, the family had no money to buy her shoes, so her mother gave her her own pair of dark green woolen shoes, which were too big for her.

In Li Li's eyes, her mother is gentle, intellectual, and does things in a leisurely manner. Life was difficult, but she had wisdom in life. In order to save food, she changed her ways and fried rice with vegetables or put corn in the rice. "It's especially delicious."

Sometimes, her father would bring a group of people to the house for dinner. , at that moment, mother would show rare panic and call them to help light the fire.

More often, dad is not at home. He worked as an accountant in a reservoir and a tea factory, as a coal mine manager and as a village committee director. He was a free-spirited man.

As for my mother, she rarely smiles, "it feels more sad." One of the rare times was one winter, when my father was at home, the family happily ate together, and my mother smiled very happily.

Li Dongmei, who has now lived past the age of her mother’s death, understands her mother’s silence at that time, “She has to bear too many things. She has to think about having a son and farming, and she has to bear all the family expenses. Worry."

Stills from "Mom and Seven Days"

At that time, there were more than 1,000 people in the village, and most of the families had boys. Li Dongmei heard that some families drowned their children in buckets when they saw that they had given birth to a daughter.

Her family is a single generation from grandfather to father, and she also wants a son to carry on the family line. "They will feel very sorry." There are also some gossips in the village, saying that her family has no son, and "half of them are alone." Mom. I even argued with people about this.

“This atmosphere is tacit,” Li Li said.

In my impression, my mother is always giving birth. Every time I get pregnant, I say I don’t know if I’m having a boy or a girl. When Li Dongmei was more than one year old, her mother was pregnant once, and after induction of labor, she found out that she was a boy. Li Li was originally given an injection to induce labor, but she was still born. She was put up for adoption for a few days, and when she grew up, she even went to other people's homes to escape. The three younger sisters also had similar experiences.

After pregnancy, mother is rarely at home. When I came back after a while, I saw children's clothes hanging on the bamboo poles of the diba. "Oh, I know a sister gave birth, that's how it felt," Li Li said.

However, my mother doted on her daughters very much. Sometimes when they made her angry, she would say she would beat them, but she would raise the spatula so high that it never really came down. Grandparents and father are also very kind to them.

But subconsciously, Li Dongmei felt that "it might be better if I were a boy." Because she had to carry more burdens than other children, she felt that she had never been innocent.

She once asked her mother: "Why do we have to have a son? Aren't we good?"

Now, Li Dongmei can't remember whether her mother answered at that time. "My mother is a very virtuous kind. She feels helpless because she can't resist."

After the loss

After her mother passed away, Li Dongmei said to her father: "I will be filial to you. , like a son. "

But my father disappeared - he went to Guangdong to work the next year. At first he could write letters, but later there was no news and others said he was dead.

It will be seven years before I come back. He explained to his daughters that he left home because he owed several thousand yuan in debt and wanted to go out to earn money for their education.

Shortly after her mother passed away, Li Dongmei (third row) took a group photo with her third sister (second row, first from left) and cousins.

With their parents away, they spent seven years helpless. The fourth and fifth sisters were fostered in another home. The three sisters lived with their grandparents. They often cried in the middle of the night and sat on the roadside to cry. They also hugged each other and cried while trying to cook rice when the fire failed to light.

Li Li discovered that her sister had changed. Dongmei used to be naughty and willful, but she became irritable after her mother left. When her elder sister smiled, she and her third sister thought it was sunny, and they didn't dare to offend her when she lost her temper.

Li Dongmei described that at that time, she was like being pushed into a corner by a hurricane. “The sense of security the world gave you collapsed in an instant.

You will worry that a person will leave at any time, and you will worry that you will lose something at any time, because you have seen this kind of sudden and complete loss. "

"The child in my heart was forced to face such a heavy thing overnight, so she almost refused to grow up later... She was still in the same mental state as when she was 12 years old, and she has not come out. "

The most painful thing about losing someone is not the moment of loss, but the long days after the loss, repeated over and over again, like echoes.

Many years after my mother left, She didn't dare to think about her mother. Every time she went to pay homage to her grave, she felt like she was floating in the clouds, her head was buzzing, and sadness was rising.

Seeing funerals, blood, and hearing sorrow and joy makes me sad. After studying film, she once helped a classmate make a short film. Blood gushed out from the actor's throat, and Li Dongmei collapsed on the spot.

Li Li felt as if she had always been there. She was an abandoned child. After her mother left, there was one time when there was no one at home, and she kept calling "Mom". She didn't understand why everyone else had a mother but she didn't.

There were always people around her who said your mother should die. It was miserable, she felt stinging, "Am I really that pitiful? "She told her sister, "We have to work hard, we have to strive for success, and we can't let others say that we are motherless children. "When she grew up, she had a stronger personality and tried desperately to prove that she was no worse than others.

Li Dongmei envied those children who had mothers. In junior high school, a classmate's mother was bedridden all year round, and the girl always had... Feeling sad, Li Dongmei said to her: "How happy you are! You can still call her mom, you can still look at her, and she can still talk to you. "

This feeling has never dissipated. Not long ago, she went to a friend's house. Her friend was in her thirties, and her parents doted on her. Li Dongmei thought: "Wow, she is so happy, she has parents. Love her so much. It seems like I've never experienced it. "

It was her grandmother who comforted her.

This illiterate, skinny old man lost his mother when he was less than 3 years old. In his twilight years, he witnessed the death of his daughter. For many years, the thought of My daughter, she never stopped crying. But she lived stubbornly and accepted all the hardships that fate had given her.

A few years ago, Li Dongmei took her friends home to take photos of her grandmother. As soon as she turned around, the camera captured her grandmother's expression: her mouth was open, her eyes were red, and she was holding tears, but she quickly covered her mouth with her hands and said goodbye calmly.

That scene moved Li Dongmei. She felt that it was her grandmother's forbearance and tenacity that gave her the strength to prevent her from being completely lost in panic.

There is a scene in the movie "Mom" where her grandmother squats on the ground and wants to carry a full load on her back. A big basket of sweet potato vines, after several failed attempts, she finally carried it on her knees and gritted her teeth. That was the mark left by her grandmother on Li Dongmei’s heart - never give up no matter how difficult it is.

"Mom and Seven Days" "Time" stills, the old man on the left is Li Dongmei's 89-year-old grandmother.

In the film, the 89-year-old grandmother appeared as a neighbor. Her face was full of wrinkles, and she walked to "Mom." "In front of them, the two were sitting next to each other, looking at each other. Li Dongmei hoped that in this way, her grandmother and her dead daughter could look at each other from afar.

The year the movie was filmed, my grandmother passed away. < /p>

Pursuing

During those years when she was surrounded by anxiety and longing, Li Dongmei was always looking for an exit.

She was always ranked first or second in the class in elementary school. After her father disappeared, her grades declined. She repeated her junior high school studies for one year and was admitted to the Early Childhood Education Normal College. After graduation, she returned to the town to work as a middle school Chinese teacher because her teacher gave her a lot of encouragement and love.

Li Dongmei. Photos of her life in college

Later, she studied English and American Literature at Sichuan International Studies University, worked as a teacher, went back to study as an undergraduate, and opened a kindergarten. At the age of 30, she earned her first million. < /p>

That year, if she had continued her business and opened a second or third kindergarten, "I would probably be a multimillionaire now," Li Dongmei said with a smile. She also bought luxury bags and expensive clothes, but she always felt that she was a millionaire. Uncomfortable.

"What I pursue is not things given by the outside world, nor material things... What I want is self-fulfillment," Li Dongmei said, because "it's too painful in my heart. You have a lot to learn about life."

Since she was a child, she has felt that she is different from others. Her classmates like to play, but she is not interested. She likes to listen to stories, and her neighbors’ grandparents and grandfathers will talk about the types of crimes or joining the army. Stories; I love reading books and read "Anna Karenina" when I was eleven or twelve years old - in the movie "Mom", Xiao Xian was lying on the bed reading this book. It was the last happy time in Li Dongmei's memory before she was 12 years old. .

At the age of 31, she decided to study film. At that time, she had no foundation and could not even remember the names of directors. Everyone was not optimistic about the movie and felt that the movie was too far away and she would definitely give up.

But she "just did it if she wanted to do it" without hesitation.

In 2011, Li Dongmei flew to Australia. Not long after she arrived, she saw an Iranian movie in a street cinema.

In the film, the eleven or twelve-year-old daughter is confused. Why does the family want a son so much?

Li Dongmei was struck for a moment. It turned out that she was not the only one in the world who had such confusion. She found that movies have the power to connect people with each other, and "the feeling of loneliness is much lighter."

After taking a basic film class for one year, she was admitted to the School of Art at the University of Melbourne. Most of her classmates are 18 or 19 years old and have been influenced by movies since childhood. And she didn't even know the terminology of film equipment. She was frightened when she entered the green shed for the first time and couldn't understand what the teacher said. "People think you are a fool."

Only writing scripts is Her strengths include lighting, photography, etc. She is not good at it, so she is determined to be the best bit player. During those four years, she cried often and was so stressed that she could not continue filming or write her thesis. When I broke down, I tore up the script and didn’t want to read it anymore. But the next day, I went to class as usual.

On the first day of class at the film school, the teacher asked: "Why do you want to study film?" Li Dongmei said: "I want to make a lot of money and set up a Chinese rural women's reproductive health fund to help women like my mother." , Never repeat the tragedy that happened because I didn’t go to the hospital for examination early.”

In 2013, Li Dongmei took two classmates back to her hometown to shoot the documentary "Standard Time", hoping to understand rural China. Current status of women's reproductive health.

The short film presents the birth stories of three women: one gave birth to a stillborn child at 7 months of pregnancy at the age of 17; one gave birth to a girl and did not pay attention, and the child died; the other was pregnant because Girl, three abortions.

At the end of the film, the camera freezes on a mountain village road, and the subtitles read: "The tree where the first miscarried girl was buried is only ten meters away from home. If she were still alive, she would be 12 by now. Years old."

In them, Li Dongmei found the shadow of her mother. "The child's life stopped at that moment, but the longing for the child did not stop," she explained the meaning of the film's title "Standing Time."

After the filming, she discovered that most rural women now go to the hospital for prenatal check-ups and childbirth, and the tragedies experienced by their mothers are now rare, so the idea of ??setting up a fund was wiped out.

After that, Li Dongmei successively made several short films, dramas, suspense films... The consistent theme is the questioning and exploration of life and death. This is the background of her mother's death in her creations.

I really found the feeling of being a director when I shot the graduation short film "Sunshine on the Grass" in 2015. It tells the story of an old man in a rural area who was paralyzed in bed. His children felt burdened and deliberately choked the old man to death while feeding him water. The short film won the school's Best Director Award and Best Cinematography Award. It was the first time that Li Dongmei was recognized.

After graduating from the University of Melbourne, Li Dongmei went to Beijing Film Academy to study for another half a year. In the next two or three years, I wrote four scripts non-stop, totaling nearly 100,000 words.

"I haven't had a period of rest without any worries, not once." Li Dongmei said that she was too restless and needed to keep doing things.

She never dared to touch the memory of her mother's death. Until 2018, when she was about to turn 40, she felt as if she had some strength. “I have been avoiding it for so many years, and it’s time to face it.”

Seeing myself at 12 years old

Half a year after writing the script of "Mom", Li Dongmei stayed at a friend's house in Shanxi, and the courtyard was quiet.

She often feels that writing her own story is like writing about the life of the little girl in her imagination, constantly immersing and withdrawing.

The movie is about to start shooting, but the funds promised by investors have never been received. Venture capital is the way to go, but she doesn't want to wait. Many people told her that you would definitely not be able to make it.

In the end, Si Mei took out an insurance policy worth 150,000 yuan as start-up capital. In August 2019, the filming of the movie started and lasted for 31 days. There are about 40 people in the crew, and Li Dongmei also serves as the producer, raising money while filming. The actors are all nearby villagers.

The four leading actors in "Mom and Seven Days", Mom, Xiaoxian, Ermei, and Sanmei, are all nearby villagers.

During the filming, she revisited the time when her mother died again and again, and cried several times.

Li Dongmei advocates minimalism and believes that where there is no need to switch the camera, it must not be cut, and where there is no need to move, it must not be moved. Others could not understand her aesthetic concept. They felt that she used a lot of fixed long shots and had very few lines. "Can you edit this film?"

Li Dongmei couldn't think of any other way to shoot it. Instead, "I can only shoot this way."

The first editor couldn't cut it anymore, and the second editor wanted to re-edit it all. The editor felt that the shots of eating, sleeping, and walking were too long, often lasting dozens of seconds. In Li Dongmei's understanding, if "eating" only lasts a few seconds, it emphasizes the action and has little meaning. But if it is given enough time, for the audience, it becomes "I am with them, in **" "In the same time and space", this immersive narrative transcends language and logic.

"The silence and gaze of time, the solemnity between life and death cannot be expressed by 'kakaka'," Li Dongmei said.

Li Dongmei's work photos on the set of "Mom and Seven Days"

After the initial cut was completed, she invited her friends and sisters to watch it, "They thought it was so different... In the end What are you talking about?"

Some students were more direct, "I don't think your movie is worthy of your understanding of movies." Some people in the industry criticized her expression as too old-fashioned; some advised her. Reduced 134 minutes to 90 minutes.

Li Dongmei did not waver.

The first positive feedback came from Mark Muller, the former chairman of the Venice Film Festival and the first person to promote Chinese films to the world. He spoke highly of "Mama" and considered it "neo-neorealism". Since then, "Mother" has been shortlisted for the Venice Film Festival and the Busan Film Festival, and won awards at the Pingyao Film Festival and the Gothenburg Film Festival.

Li Dongmei holds the trophy awarded by the Gothenburg Film Festival.

Praise and recognition make her feel happy. But greater satisfaction comes from within.

"The 12-year-old child who stood in front of his mother to clean her body had not been seen or comforted before. Now I tell her in this way that I see you, I'm by your side, I'm with you," Li Dongmei said.

She feels that she has become a more powerful person - no longer running away from the past, overcoming various difficulties faced during filming, and adhering to her ideas despite numerous objections. More importantly, she misses her mother, "Now everyone not only sees my mother, but also sees many mothers like her."

Towards her mother, Li Dongmei can now express her joy and tranquility. He accepted the loss of her with his heart, instead of feeling sad thoughts, "I have never been relaxed, but recently I feel that life is more interesting."

Reunion

Li Dongmei's father I haven't seen this movie yet.

Before shooting, he asked his daughter: "There are so many things that can be photographed, why do we have to shoot this?"

Li Dongmei replied: "In this world, we face pain differently. Most people choose to turn their backs on this attitude, but I want to face it head on."

Dad stopped talking.

On the day she met Li Dongmei, she asked her father to help send a few express deliveries, but her father didn't understand. The two of them spoke urgently and louder and louder over the phone.

After hanging up the phone, Li Dongmei said: "You see, dad and I are relatively unfamiliar."

After my dad came back from Guangdong, he worked in the town's coal mine until he retired. He has a new wife and rarely lives with his daughters.

Over the years, Li Dongmei tried her best to be a good daughter, filial to him, and took him and her stepmother to travel around Australia, Shenzhen, and Chengdu. When her father fell ill several times, she took him to the hospital and took care of him. I am always careful when talking to him, for fear of making him angry.

They have never talked about their mother, and they avoid each other, fearing that the other person will be sad, and they are also worried that they will be sad.

"Everyone in our family has a missing part in their hearts," Li Li said. There is no particularly close relationship between father, daughter, and sisters in the family, and even hugging would feel awkward.

Another shadow left by her mother’s death is that when she grew up, she was afraid of getting married and having children at the age of 30. During the delivery, the doctor said that the wound was well stitched, so she was not so scared.

For Li Dongmei, the mental fear and uneasiness will take longer to heal.

In the past few years, she has lived an almost wandering life. Africa, Europe, China... I travel everywhere and rarely stay in one place for a full year. The sisters knew where she was when they saw the ticket she issued.

The more than 1 million she had saved before was spent on studying and making movies. Now she lives on Huabei. When I go out, I just carry a green woven bag, and the shoulder straps are worn out; when I eat out, I pack leftovers. During the interview, she looked tired, but she still answered every question seriously.

Photos of Li Dongmei’s life

In her 20s, Li Dongmei began to read Zhuangzi, read the Diamond Sutra and the Bible, and liked philosophy. "I hope to become a person who has inner peace and tranquility, and does not live in duality and panic and anxiety. (That state) is free, more tolerant, humble, and more empathetic to the suffering of others."

When she was in her twenties, she also hoped to get married. The other person was her first love of four years, and it didn't give her the sense of security she wanted. In disappointment, we missed each other.

"I had hoped before, hoping to find some satisfaction in family life, but later I discovered that all external things, fame, fortune and the people around you, are too impermanent." Now, what she wants to pursue is what is within herself.

At the end of last year, Li Dongmei went to the temple to volunteer for a month. Before leaving, she wrote the names of the people she missed deeply in her heart: mother, grandpa, grandma, grandpa, grandma... one by one on paper, put them in the box next to Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva, and prayed for the departed souls and the world. Theirselves are well. After finishing it, she felt much healed.

She enjoys the current state and has many things she wants to do: she hopes to record her every day experience from birth to death like the Japanese director Yasujiro Ozu did; she also wants to write a book in memory of her grandmother, To make up for the regret of not being able to spend more time with her, meet her in another world; in the next feature film, we will continue to explore the story of mother and child, life and death.

Li Dongmei remembers that in the movie "The Lion King": "Everyone will become a star after death, but the stars guard us in the sky."

In the movie At the end of "Mom", Xiaoxian and Ermei send lights to their mother, and the lights illuminate her way home. Li Dongmei wanted to express this: time cannot make up for all pain, but life must go on.

A still from "Mom and Seven Days", Xiao Xian and his second sister send lanterns to their mother.

When writing the script, what came to her mind was another ending - one that was not filmed due to limited funds:

It was misty in the morning, and a small boat floated on the calm river. Xiao Xian and his mother were sitting on the bow of the boat, followed by the second and third sisters along the river bank.

At that moment, Li Dongmei felt like she was reunited with her mother.

Proofreading: Ding Xiao